Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
I’ve spent the past week contemplating my relationships with those I love. In all of them I’ve found myself lacking.
I tell people (and myself) that I try to do everything with love in my heart. There have been a few times when I was accused of the opposite. When others have told me that they felt I was only with them so I could get something out of it. And it hurt.
I realize now that it hurt most of all because there was an element of truth in it. In some of my relationships (friends and lovers) there has been a “me” factor – I was looking out for myself and my own best interests and not putting others before me all the time.
it hasn’t been material goods but a need to be validated by others. As caring. As smart. As pretty. I’ve needed to know that someone cared about me, even with all my flaws.
I think most of you can relate to that longing.
When I came back to Christ I thought I was done with that way of thinking. After all, God loves me, right? Sadly, it doesn’t work that way.
Yes, God loves me, warts and all. But God doesn’t want me to sit around and just bask in His love. He wants me to shine that love back on the world. Before I can do that, though, I have to fix what’s broken inside me.
If you’ve ever flown on an airplane, you’ve heard what the flight attendants say about the oxygen mask: “Put on your own mask before you help others.” I know now that it’s time for me to put on my oxygen mask. In others words, it’s time for me to fix myself. I cannot be a true Christian woman until I do that.
God’s love is amazing and I think that love is what has led me to find the truth about myself: I don’t like myself sometimes.
When I think about the above verse and my relationships with people I can see how much more work I have to do. I have not been patient, kind, free of envy, humble, etc…. I look at every one of those words and think “nope, I failed someone there. And there. And there….”
The ultimate question I keep asking myself is: “How do I fix this? How do I heal myself so that I can turn around and reflect God’s love back on the world?”
I have a few friends who seem to radiate with God’s love. They aren’t perfect. In fact, I know they are insecure, have moments of doubt about themselves. Yet they have embraced the one Truth:
God loves them.
Sometimes I think God is a little crazy for loving me. I doubt that love because I’m such a mess inside. How can God forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made if I’m still struggling to forgive myself??? I’m so unlovable, how can God love me?
All those doubts and fears live in my heart. That’s what’s keeping me from drawing closer to God, from committing myself completely to Him.
I’ve made a decision to take time for myself. To fix myself. To work on forgiving myself.
I don’t want to doubt God’s love for me any longer. I want to reach a point where His love for me humbles me, amazes me, and fills me completely. I want to reflect God’s love back on the world and that can only happen when I am right with Him.
I’m taking the next year to focus on my relationship with God. I’ve actually done something that I would have thought impossible even a month ago – I’ve taken a vow of celibacy. I can’t focus on God fully if I am searching for fulfillment from other people.
If you are reading this, then you are someone I care about, so I have one favor to ask: please pray for me as I undertake this journey.
I’ll be blogging as I stumble along this path, sharing my thoughts and realizations. I can’t wait to share with you what I discover.
Father God, thank you for touching my heart. Thank you for letting me know it was time to stop focusing on myself and spend this next year focusing completely on you. Thank you for giving me this chance to feel your love. Thank you for the healing I’ve already experienced and the healing I know is yet to come. You are an awesome God and I will praise your name. I am blessed that you have given me this opportunity to draw closer to you. Help calm my fears about this path before me because I know you will be right by my side on this journey. I know you will help me confront the truth about myself, but I also know at the end of this year, I will be renewed by you. Amen.