My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. (1 John 2:1)
A friend invited me to join them in a meditation challenge for the month of August. I haven’t meditated in years and am finding a lot of comfort in going back to it. I’m sleeping a lot better as well, so that’s definitely an added bonus.
Last night’s meditation was about self compassion. I don’t know about you, but I’m great at beating myself up for things I’ve done – some of those go back to when I was a child or teenager. I’ll stay up late at night replaying those mistakes, berating myself for what I did. So last night’s meditation was definitely needed.
In the meditation, you’re guided to thinking about a small mistake (always start small with this kind of stuff!) and working through what happened. I started off thinking of an incident at work where I lost my temper. I thought about what happened and my reaction. I allowed the entire episode to replay in my mind. Then I was led to think about how I felt about it – shame, anger at myself, and regret were the biggest things I felt.
Finally, the guide told us to push all those emotions aside and focus on the real issue, which is why I reacted the way I did. That was a tricky moment and I finally realized it boiled down the two things – my pride was hurt (oh goodness, my pride is always my biggest downfall) and the fact that the person I interacted with assumed the worst of me in the situation – that’s why I lashed out.
As I sat there thinking about those emotions and how they kept me from keeping my cool with my co-woker. I wished I had reacted better to the situation but also forgave myself for what I did and thought about how I can do better the next time at keeping my mouth shut and thinking about the root of what brought that anger out in me.
There’s a book I love called “Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Four Emotions That Control You” by Andy Stanley. In the book, he discusses how everything boils down to feeling like people owe us something or we owe someone something. The emotions that come from it – guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy all have roots in that.
When I read the book, there were lots of times I had to put it down to think about how many of my reactions come from those feelings and wonder how I can break free of letting them control me so much.
As a Christian, I know that giving those feelings control over me means I’m far from God.
I sat there for a long time after the meditation thinking about that and three things immediately came to mind.
- I am pretty bad about extending grace to others when they make mistakes. I’m quick to think people are jerks or mean or selfish, instead of assuming it was an honest mistake. How could I be angry with my co-worker for not assuming my mistake wasn’t done with malice when I assume most people are doing things with malice? That makes me a hypocrite. I asked God to help me show grace and compassion towards others in all I do (especially driving, oh goodness, I need a lot of help when I’m behind the wheel!)
- Finding the root of the issue behind the emotions has to be a priority for me. Once I understand WHY I react poorly to some situations, the easier it will be for me to work on healing that part of myself and forgiving myself.
- The final thought is one I’ve discussed before but it’s really important to me. When I struggle with forgiving myself for something I have to hold on to the knowledge that I’m already forgiven because Jesus came to forgive us for our sins. Holding on to those mistakes means I’m not trusting God. If God forgives me for my sins, what right do I have to not forgive myself? Of course, that doesn’t mean I should run around sinning willy-nilly. I should acknowledge my sin to God, ask for forgiveness, work to make sure I don’t make the same mistake, and then trust that God has forgiven me. A large part of that, for me, is working on that sin to make sure it won’t happen again. That’s why last night’s meditation was so important to me. Unless I know the root cause of whatever I did that led me to make that mistake (sin), I will keep doing it over and over and over.
I am an insecure person – a lot of that comes from my youth (I think that’s the case for most of us). I have to work to heal myself from that time so I stop reacting the way 10-year old Karoline would. And that means working to heal, forgive myself and others, and accept that Jesus loves me – a flawed human being.
I’m going to spend a lot more time meditating – focusing on God to heal and forgive myself for all of the mistakes I’ve made.
I should add that I’m a big fan of therapy and I’m blessed to have a great therapist who has helped me work through many issues in my life. I actually told him the last time we talked that now that I’m doing a lot better in the here and now it’s time to tackle the hard stuff, which is my childhood traumas. If therapy is an option for you, I highly recommend it.
God loves you. God forgives you. Isn’t it time you learned to forgive yourself?
Gracious Father, thank You so much for helping me see how much You love me and forgive me for my sins. Please help me as I begin to work on healing the little girl and young woman I used to be. I know it is only because of Your grace and mercy that I can find true peace and understanding. Please be with those who read my blog and help them work on their own healing through Your grace and love. Amen.