Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God: for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.
Psalms 43:5
I wrote recently that I’ve had some physical issues going on – nothing that is fatal (crosses fingers), but it’s been irritating, frustrating, and depressing. I was mired in depression until last night, when I had a Eureka moment that sat me up in bed. I was waiting for healing before living my life. I wanted what I’d had before to the point where I refused to do anything because it wasn’t what I WANTED to do. I realized my refusal to do what I can, as imperfect as it can be, was my stubborn refusal to find a new measurement of joy. So I laid in bed and thanked God and asked Him to help me focus on what I can do now instead of what I hoped to do.
As I think about the huge change in my mental outlook last night, I realized my soul has been “disquieted within me” for a while – more than 3 months. As I’ve struggled with a new normal, I’ve been depressed and angry about what’s going on with me. Most frustrating of all, it’s affected my prayer time with God.
That’s what I really want to focus on today. I liken my “God time” to snorkeling. There are times I dive in deep with God and other times I hover on the surface, just breathing and resting. I’m happier when I’m deep in study and prayer time, yet have a hard time doing that.
It comes down to something I’ve posted about before – my inability to fully let go and trust God. I do trust Him, but not 100%. I tend to try and fix issues myself, and after that doesn’t work, I finally turn to Him and talk about it.
After taking with my spiritual advisor and spiritual guide this week, I was able to really hone in on my issues. I think sharing them with you may resonate and help you as well with your relationship with God.
I am a very proud person, I push through things on my own and rarely reach out to anyone when times are rough. If you ever get a message from me where I admit that things are hard for me right now, understand that even doing that is HUGE. Now, I know God isn’t the same as me texting a good friend about my struggles, but I put Him on that same level.
At the same time, I strive to be perfect and get mad when I mess up. And not turning to God is imperfection to me, and therefore sets up a cycle of self-hate and doubt. I’m so messed up, I can’t even talk to God about it. He must hate me because of this. My imperfection is such a huge flaw, how can God love me? I’m such a freaking mess.
Sound familiar?
That’s why I love this psalm and have turned to it over and over lately. Today’s verse highlights that we can be disquieted in our soul, but God is RIGHT THERE waiting for us. God doesn’t love us less because we don’t reach out when we are in need. He’s there when we realize our hope is in Him and Him alone. He’s there through the disquiet, we just have to push through that moment and turn to Him.
God love me. God loves you. Even in the dark moments, He’s just a simple and quiet prayer away. Put your hope in the Lord, my friends. He’s waiting for you.
Lord, thank you for reminding me that when I am unhappy, you are waiting for me with open arms. You love me no matter what and nothing will ever change that. Amen.