My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. (1 John 2:1-2)
I was bullied pretty badly when I was younger – mostly in my teen years. As a direct result of that bullying, I became a very ugly person. I would say horrid things to others to cause them pain.
I was a pretty crappy person, to be honest. And while I can look back on those days with the eyes of an almost-50 year old and understand that a young me would lash out that way, the pain I inflicted on others with my harsh words still haunts me to this day.
Young Karoline didn’t know any better. I was doing anything I could to make myself feel better about that pain. Of course hurting others didn’t help. It didn’t make my life easier. It didn’t help me love myself more. Instead it made things worse. I was isolated and alone most of those years – and a lot of that came from that darkness within me.
My own path to heal from that pain and learn from it has been an incredibly difficult process. Therapy has helped me a lot. I’ve learned (mostly) to shut up that ugly, hate-filled voice in my head – whether it’s trying to convince me that I’m horrible or urging me to spew ugliness at others.
That has taken me over 25 years to learn.
Guess what? I still make mistakes. I still mess up. I still say hurtful things sometimes.
But because of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, I am saved.
That is such a huge thing. At times I have a really hard time wrapping my mind around it.
I know that there are steps to take when I sin.
- I sin;
- I realize I’ve sinned;
- I confess my sin;
- I ask forgiveness for my sin (from both the person I sinned against and God);
- I learn from it and work to not do it again.
Before I came back to the church I did a pretty good job of following that list when I would hurt others. But something was missing. I think it might be the lack of accountability.
It actually hurts me more today when I cause someone pain. I strive every day to be more Christ-like. Failure, while inevitable, is really difficult for me.
I get through it, though. By the only way I know how, which is working to accept and comprehend the love and grace of God.
I’m still not perfect. I still make mistakes. A lot of them. But because of God’s love and mercy, I know it will be ok – as long as I follow those steps above. God knows I’m trying to be a better person and forgives me when I stumble. I’m so very grateful for that.
Thank you, God, for your amazing grace, mercy, compassion, understanding, and love. Thank you for helping me work through my past and current mistakes. You are incredible and I’m so very grateful that I found my way back to You. Amen.