Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:13)
I am part of a leadership development group at work. It’s a year-long program focused on helping us becoming better leaders. Lately, we’ve been focused on examining our lives and seeing where we need to grow. We were asked to invite co-workers, supervisors, clients, friends, siblings, and our direct reports to fill out a 360 degree survey about us to help us find those growth points. They had the chance to score us on a point system and submit comments.
I got the responses yesterday. I wasn’t surprised at the scores, most of them were in line with where I thought I was – in fact, I was harder on myself than most respondents were on me. Then I came to the comments section. It was difficult to read – not because people were cruel, in fact, they weren’t at all. Even the growth points mentioned were ones I knew about and were phrased in a way that was super constructive and not hurtful.
While I read sentence after sentence of praise for me (even the comments about where I could grow were filled with praise) I was filled with an enormous sense of Impostor Syndrome. I kept thinking “oh man, what is wrong with these people? Don’t they know how horrible I am? Don’t they know all of the destructive things I’ve done? The people I’ve hurt?”
I cried about it – I’d fooled them all into thinking I was an amazing person when I knew that it was all a lie. As I cried, I found myself talking to God about my response to the words I read. I told Him that I’m so broken and flawed and I couldn’t understand how people couldn’t see that. Then I cried even more because I was incapable of receiving the love people have for me.
After I was done crying, I sat in silence with God for a long time. Then I felt God reminding me that we are ALL broken. We are ALL flawed.
God knows every single one of my flaws. He knows, better than I do, how broken I am, and He loves me. I felt at peace again, and surrounded by God’s love. Then….well…if you know me, you know that I cried some more – but this time the tears were from gratitude.
Yes, I’m broken. Yes, I’m flawed. I’ve suffered trauma in my life that has caused me to react negatively when I receive praise and love. I’m doing my best to work on that with my therapist. It’s been a struggle – I have so much farther to go – but last night I feel like I finally made headway on healing. That healing happened when I sat in silence and listened to God. I allowed myself to feel Him around me and I was filled with peace.
With God, nothing is hidden. He sees it all. For once, I see that as a blessing instead of a drawback, because knowing He loves me, a flawed, broken woman, means that I am lovable. What a wonderful blessing that is!
Thank you, God, for seeing me completely and still loving me fully. May I open my eyes to the love of others and accept it as easily as I accept your love for me. Amen.