Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Just over a year ago, I posted about a huge fight I had with my best friend. When I had reached out to a friend as I worked my way through the fight, he told me “Swallow that pride. Fix yo shit.”
Guess what? I’m still struggling with pride. I’m still trying to fix my “stuff”.
One of the largest symptoms of pride is fear.
I’m reading a book by Francis Chan about the Holy Spirit (y’all this book is pushing me and challenging me in ways I can’t describe yet – once I’m done I’ll break down what I’ve learned.). This mornings reading took me to where he discusses how many people hold back from fully welcoming the Holy Spirit into their lives because of their fear that God may call them to do something they really don’t want to do.
My fear – my PRIDE – has held me back in many ways, not just from allowing God fully into my heart and my life.
I hate to admit when I’m wrong. I am very defensive about what I say and what I hear others say – I’m quick to jump on someone when they say something I disagree with. I worry about how others will perceive me, so I hold back. I don’t speak up when I feel hurt – or when I do I lash out instead of trying to have conversations about what I’m feeling. When someone hurts me it takes a long time to let go of that pain and forgive them. I can come across as a snob because I don’t join into new situations or conversations easily because I worry about saying or doing the wrong thing.
Most importantly, I may have turned my life over to Jesus but I’m sure struggling with letting Him show me what I need to do and where I need to go.
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“Love is … not proud” – Paul’s words resonate with me today. If I love God then I need to put aside my pride. Being a Christian means it’s imperative I do so. My pride – my fear of rejection, of not fitting it – that’s one of the largest stumbling blocks I need to overcome.
My pride keeps me from truly honoring God. My pride keeps me from being truly thankful for His grace and mercy. My pride hold me back from letting the Holy Spirit into my life. My pride holds me back from embracing the message of Jesus’ death and resurrection. My pride holds me back from being honest with those I love. My pride holds me back from being vulnerable with them, too. My pride has gotten in the way of my relationship with God. My pride has held me back from being a good mother and friend.
My pride is my downfall – it’s caused me and others more pain than I can easily handle.
Today I’m grateful to God for allowing me to see my pride and the damage it’s done to me and those around me. I’m grateful to God for His mercy. Knowing that Jesus died for our sins gives me hope. It gives me peace. And most importantly of all, it humbles me.
I’m a mess, my friends. One big old mess. Just like everyone else. Thanks to God’s mercy and lovingkindness, I have a path forward – at the feet of Jesus.
Lord, thank You for helping me see my pride and how it has kept me from fully knowing You and being the best me I can be. Help me as I work through my pride, I know it’s not something I can fix on my own. Thank you, God, for your infinite patience with me as I work towards becoming the best me I can be for your glory. Amen.