The Lord Looks at the Heart

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

I’m a very insecure person. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been fat. I wore plus size clothes since I was a child. I was told I was fat over and over growing up. My mother put me on diets starting around the age of 12.

I hated myself for a very long time. I thought I was ugly and no one could possibly love me. I put myself in very dangerous positions from the age of 15 on, seeking love and approval from someone. Most of the time things ended poorly. And the boys who did actually like me? I treated them like crap because they were obviously idiots for loving someone as unloveable as I was.

It’s taken a long time and a lot of therapy to get over those ugly thoughts. Sometimes, though, that little voice will pipe up and tell me I’m ugly and fat and unloveable. I had a nightmare about it just last night – and I woke up in tears. Thank goodness my fella is an understanding guy – he held me close and helped me get my head back on straight.

I wasn’t sure if this would be today’s post until I did my daily readings. Both of them were about God’s grace and pure love for every one of us. I realized then God was telling me I needed to share my story.

I still have moments when I feel ugly. I have moments when I look at my boyfriend and wonder what on earth he sees in me. I manage to push through those moments and remember that I’m not ugly. I’m beautiful in the God’s eyes and he loves me completely. God doesn’t see my body – He sees my heart. What an amazing blessing that is.

Thank you, God, for reminding me that even in my darkest times, when I feel ugly and gross, that you love me unconditionally. You see my heart and that is such a wonderful thing to know. Please help me to rest in your arms when the doubts come – and please help me keep my heart focused on you so it reflects your love back to the world – and on myself, too. Help me know when I am having those insecure moments that I can turn to you, Lord, and you will always be there to remind me that I am loved and never ugly in your eyes. Amen.