Remember not the sins of my youth and my transgressions;
remember me according to your love
and for the sake of your goodness, O Lord. (Psalm 25:6)
I’ve spent the past two months sitting with God, letting myself feel and trust that He loves me for who I am. It’s been wonderful and has filled my soul with more peace than I thought possible.
I’ve also been working hard with my therapist and spiritual advisor on healing and growth. Growing from who I was to who God wants me to be. It has been intense and sometimes painful but always refreshing to get even one more glimmer about myself.
For me, the hardest part about therapy is understanding choices I’ve made when I was younger. I flash back to some incredibly hurtful things I’ve said and done and cringe at the pain I caused others (and myself). I have to remind myself over and over of how young I was when I made those mistakes. I can apologize to those I’ve hurt but I cannot go back and redo that part of my life. I can only apologize, make amends where necessary, try not to make similar choices, and trust that God forgives me for them.
Today’s verse from Psalm 25 really stood out to me because even David had moments where he didn’t want God to judge him on the mistakes of his youth.
I lean into that verse more and more now. Beating myself up, saying “what if I’d done this or that”, serves no purpose. I cannot go back and change the past. I cannot go back in time and fix those errors, or even hold the wounded, heartbroken Karoline from before. All I can and should do is trust in God’s love.
I’ve written before about the difficulty in forgiving myself for mistakes I made and how I finally realized that not forgiving myself when I’ve asked God’s forgiveness means I think I know better than God. How vain of me to think I know better than God!
We can’t go back in time to fix the mistakes we made. We shouldn’t waste time on the “what ifs…”
We can, and must, trust God’s love, grace, and mercy. God doesn’t care about who you were. God cares about who you are today. Most wonderfully of all, God loves you for who you are, mistakes and all. Trust that, friends. He loves you completely.
Almighty God, thank You for the reminder that You love me for who I am today and not for the foolish mistakes of my youth. Help me remember that when I am filled with memories of the choices I made that cause pain to others or myself. You are amazing, loving, and kind. Help me focus on that when the “what ifs” come to call. Amen.