A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. (Luke 6:45)
This week’s post has been a struggle. When I come here to post, I lay myself open to you, my friends, about my path with God. I usually have little problems talking about the mistakes I make/have made on this path. But today’s post? It’s one of the most difficult ones I’ve written because I am going to completely open up about the ugliness that resides in my heart.
*big breath*
I hated myself and the world when I was younger. That hatred meant I assumed the worst of everyone around me and spewed ugly, horrid things. I gossiped and caused a lot of people pain.
Stopping that was a long, intense process. I had to connect to love and not hate. I had to trust that others weren’t going to hurt me and be willing to open myself up. I had to accept everyone for their flaws, including myself (loving and accepting myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done!) None of that was easy, but I managed to do it. And now folks who know me would tell you I’m TOO trusting. That’s a total turnaround from who I used to be. And I’m proud of the progress I made.
But………
When I’m tired or hungry or angry or hurt I default to that place of ugliness. I say things that hurt others (or myself). I compare myself to other people, find myself lacking, and lash out with hate-filled words.
That insecurity and loathing is about as far from God as I can get. It’s the polar opposite of what he wants for me. He wants me to shine with his love. He wants me to assume the best, to help others in need, and to let love fill my heart.
On those low days – those days when I’m tired or hungry or angry or hurt – it seems impossible to reflect God’s love back on everyone around me.
I know I’m not alone in this battle – Jesus wouldn’t have talked about it if it wasn’t a universal issue. Knowing I’m struggling with issues that others face helps.
I’ve been doing a few things the past few days to help me with this. The first is when I am sitting with a friend and we start gossiping or focusing on negatives in our lives, I stop the conversation and ask them to tell me something good in their life. It really turns everything around – the conversation shifts to sharing joys and delights in what is happening for us and others. The second is to focus on what comes out of my mouth. If it’s something I wouldn’t want to hear said about me, then I know I need to shut up and not say it about another person. And finally, I spend more time now talking to God than I ever did. I talk to him as I drive to and from work. I talk to him when I’m at my desk – I just take a quick minute every half hour to praise God and thank him for my blessings.
I know I’ll still have days when I battle that ugliness inside – but with God’s help, love will drown it out and I can go back to focusing on the wonderful blessings around me. I want my heart to be full of God’s love and I want my words to be full of God’s grace and mercy. I know the more I rely on God to help make that happen, the easier it will be to do so. Because God is amazing.
Dear Lord, thank you for helping to fill my heart with your love. Let me reflect that love back on those I come in contact with. Thank you for the reminder of how much my words can wound – not only those I speak those words to but myself AND you. Thank you for your mercy, grace, and healing. That helps me work through the pain in my soul that causes me to lash out at others. Amen.