My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. (1 John 2:1-2)
The past few months have been pretty intense for me. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I decided to spend most of my time focused on God. I’m also working with my therapist on the deeper issues I have stemming from my dark past.
I won’t lie and say it’s been an easy time. For the first time I’m really exploring who I am and the experiences that have shaped and affected every relationship I’ve had (romantic and platonic).
I struggle with feelings of worthlessness. It’s worse right now – a failed marriage, a failed relationship, doubting myself, and of course it’s all exacerbated by the loneliness from COVID lock down.
I tend to think too much – and when I do I find I get depressed and the feelings of worthlessness become stronger. (note: I’m ok – I’m not suicidal. I’m sharing this because my story is one I think many of you can relate to.)
In my quiet time with God, I talk with Him about this feeling of worthlessness. How can He love me? How??? I’m broken. I’m flawed. I’ve hurt countless people throughout my life – and while I can say “well, this really bad thing happened to me when I was a kid, so it’s understandable that I’d react that way to many things”, it’s not an allowable excuse once I became an adult. I’m responsible for my actions – broken or not.
How can God love ME? He knows everything – not only what I’ve done but what’s been in my heart. I cannot fathom forgiveness for those horrible things.
So I dived deeper into the Bible – the books I love: Ruth, Micah, the Psalms, and the Gospels. I read this verse from Micah and my eyes opened to the truth.
Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance? (Micah 7:18a)
Who is a God like Him? How can He pardon our sins?
There is only one word I hear over and over when I pray: TRUST. I can’t understand God – how could I, a flawed human being understand God??
God gave His only Son for all our sins. Jesus was the final and ultimate sacrifice. I know this to be true. Because of that, I have to trust God completely. He has said over and over that He loves us and forgives us.
While my story of depression and feelings of worthlessness may have started out this post, I want you to focus on the joyful truth I have accepted: God loves me.
God loves all of us. God forgives us for our sins when we bring them to Him. I use an image when I doubt that forgiveness – I see Jesus on the cross and imagine I’m kneeling before Him – and I lay it all right there at His feet.
Jesus died for all of us, for the forgiveness of our sins.
So when you doubt how any of this is possible? Close your eyes, say a prayer to God and trust Him. He loves you. He forgives you. That knowledge gives me strength when I doubt and I hope it can do the same for you.
Isn’t God amazing? I am constantly filled with wonder at all He does for me.
The next time I struggle with feeling worthless, I’m going to dig in deep, leave it with God, and trust Him completely. He doesn’t think I’m worthless. In fact, He loves me. And He loves you too. What a blessing that is!
Mighty Father, thank you for loving us. Jesus, thank you for sacrificing your life for our sins. Thank you for being by our sides in those moments of darkness and doubt – help us remember to trust and lean on you in those times. Because of your love and sacrifice, we are forgiven. Amen.