Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)
Last weekend I made a huge mistake. I allowed my anger to consume me. No, not anger. Rage and fury are words that fit better. I was overcome.
I couldn’t let go of it. That anger was so intense that I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t think. I allowed it to take over until I unleashed it in a way that was frightening to me and my best friend – who sadly was the person I lashed out at, a person I never want to hurt.
The worst part of all of it is that I was so angry I couldn’t see how wrong it was. I felt justified. Honestly? If you had asked me what was wrong, I would have told you every little reason why I had the right to be upset. I was so deep in the weeds with my anger I didn’t even realize how angry I was. I couldn’t pull back and admit to myself that I WAS angry. That is more frightening to me than I can express.
I have spent the last week examining that anger in me. Because I’m still angry. Not at my friend. I don’t think I ever was really angry at them. I’m angry at the world. I’m angry with myself.
After our fight, my friend went for a drive. And I went and got a pack of cloves. I smoked like a chimney. I couldn’t eat. I just smoked and smoked. I was so upset with myself I couldn’t think, I could only cry and try to figure out what I’d done wrong and how I could fix it. Finally I messaged a friend and asked for advice. His response to me was the following:
- Friend: “he got a celly?”
- Me: “Yes”
- Friend: “call him. apologize. fix dat shit. swallow that pride. fix yo shit.”
Swallow that pride? Me?? Swallow what pride?? My friend is the proud one, not me!
Do you see? Do you see how bad my anger was? I still couldn’t admit I was at fault. Even though I’d pushed my friend to the point where his rage unleashed right back at me, it still wasn’t my fault.
Did I mention yet that I love my friends?
“Swallow that pride. Fix yo shit.”
I should put that on a tee-shirt. I should print it out and put it over my desk so I see it every single day.
I mulled over those words for a long time. And then it happened. The scales fell from my eyes. I finally felt the log in my eye – I had been so busy looking that the splinter in my best friend’s eye that I was blinded to my own flaws. But finally I could see what I’d done. There was nothing righteous about my anger. It was wrong. It was my pride that kept me from even seeing the rage in me.
I began to cry. I fell to my knees and began to pray. And finally I could feel God again.
My friend and I talked the next day and we’re healing. I think we’ll be ok. But it was scary. All of it was terrifying. I have to face the fact that my anger hurt someone I love. My anger, my weakness, my PRIDE kept me from hearing God and following what he wants me to do.
I’ve spent a lot of time in quiet contemplation this week. A lot more time with my bible. A lot more reading and studying it. I don’t know the bible as well as many of you – I’m new to this whole “reading the bible” thing. But there are two verses that have really touched me.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
The second comes from the Pray As You Go podcast and Tuesday’s reading, which is John 20:24-29. It’s when Thomas doubts that Jesus has really risen until he sees Jesus and touches the wounds on his hands and side. As the narrator spoke about the verse and reflected on what it could mean, she said, ” Are there ‘dark places’ in me where I still need to meet Jesus, risen from the dead?”
There’s a lot to unpack in both of those verses and what the narrator said and I won’t go into detail about them in today’s post. I am still working through what it means to me and am not ready to articulate it yet.
I will say that I am comforted by many things. First off is God’s grace, love, and mercy. Without that, I am nothing. Secondly, it’s that my best friend and I are working through what happened and working on healing. Third is that the chance to acknowledge that there is definitely a dark place in me that needs to meet Jesus. My anger and my pride aren’t gone simply because of last weekend’s blow up. They are still there. I can still feel it and connect to it. I have a lot of healing to go and a lot to work through.
But I am comforted by the knowledge that with God I will be alright. I can get through this. I can find that “rest for (my) soul.”
Dear Lord, thank you for allowing the scales to fall from my eyes so I could connect to you. Thank you for helping me to swallow my pride so I could start working to fix the wrongs I have done to my friend and others. Thank you God for your grace, love, and mercy. You are amazing and I praise your name. Amen.